My wings.

From my beautiful friend ❤

An Awesome Sauce Life

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I love wings. Faerie wings, Ladybug wings, angel wings, bat wings and delicately feathered bird wings to name just a few. I have a whole wall in my home devoted to an art collection of different wings. I also have a tickle trunk full of costume wings the likes of pink faeries, green dragonfly and black raven wings – you know for those occasions that call for wings. I have also always wanted to fly…you know when you get asked what superpower you would like to have – mine is always flight – soaring through the air, around trees, in and out of clouds, way above the ground. And as much as squirrels, llamas and every other furbaby I come in contact with love me, birds really really love me and more than a dozen times over my life, they’ve landed on me and stayed awhile so we can make…

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Adventure Girl

Please enjoy reading the post just published.  Inspiring!

 

Thank you Adventure Girl!

Not So Quiet

I could see the joy on your face when you had her with you.  I wanted to make you happy too but you would turn me away with a pat on the head.  At 7 I felt unwanted and alone.

and stayed quiet.

I used to babysit for you.  One night your wife had to go finish getting ready.  I was afraid as I ran away from you around the living-room.  At 11 I felt why?  What did I do?  I felt shame

and stayed quiet.

I saw you watching me while I cared for the children down the street.  Later you came over and we talked.  You kissed me and then you were groping me and suddenly on top of me.  I had to stop you.  I frantically said that I had my period.  At 11 I was learning how to deflect.

and  stayed quiet.

Walking in the woods close to my home I was chased by a group of boys.  They pinned me down and roughly grabs my breasts and snapped my bra.  At 12 I felt fear.

and stayed quiet.

You and your friends were driving along when you saw me and slowed your car down and swerved towards me.  I thought you were going to ask for directions but you did not stop.  Your friend hung out of the window and grabbed my breasts as you drove on.  At 13 I felt less than.  I started to walk with my shoulders protecting me.

and stayed quiet.

I had too much to drink.  I said ‘don’t’ and sleepily tried to push you away.  You did what you wanted then fell asleep.  I felt dirty and cheap.

and stayed quiet.

You asked me to get some equipment from the storage room.  You showed up behind me and trapped me in the room.  You pinned me up against the wall.  I was trying to push you away and kicking the wall.  The other instructor interrupted but later told me he was told ‘that you wanted it’.  I felt a deep humiliation

and stayed quiet.

I was to sing at your wedding and went to the rehersal.  After it was late and I was waiting for my parents to pick me up.  I took a nap in the guestroom.  I awoke to your dad fondling me, his hot cigarette breath close to my face.  I ran to the living-room.  At 14 I wanted to disappear

and  stayed quiet.

You said you knew what he did to me yet you made me attend the wedding even though I refused to sing.  You laughed and cajoled me as old men wanted to grope me while dancing.  You devalued me.  You made me feel worthless

and I stayed quiet.

You wanted more than I was willing and ready to give you but were not taking no for an answer.  I told you I was no longer interested in boys.  I was ridiculed in school.  I felt alone

and stayed quiet.

We needed to get stock ready for the store shelves.  We went into the store room.  You wanted me to go on my knees for you.  I refused.  You fired me.

and I stayed quiet.

You said you wanted sex.  I told you I was sick and had the flu.  I was too tired from vomiting.  You rolled me onto my back and took what you wanted.  I knew I was nothing to you.  Our relationship was finished but I felt alone and afraid and defeated.  I was in the throws of depression.

and I stayed quiet.

 

When the verdict came for #Brockturner and the hands of #judgeaaronpersky  I felt like someone had just punched me in the gut.  I felt a horrible pain for the victim of his assault.  Then the flashbacks started.  I found myself in tears.  For days.  I have been trying to process this and understand.

I feel like this situation has refreshed all victims trauma.

It does not go away in six months or six years or even sixteen years.  It lives on.  We work on it bit by bit and we learn how to tame it.  We have ingested each and every time we have been told that in some way that we brought it upon ourselves.  That it is because of our choices that we placed ourselves into the position of victim.

It is this time that we must stand together.  Bring a greater right into the light that we can all move forward with.  The #victimblaming must stop.  How long will it go on that the abused Is required to be raped/abused repeatedly?  Once by the perpetrator and the rest by the system and the media.  When will there be respect shown for the victim?

Brock, I am so not sorry that your short term incarceration will cause you some discomfort.  I hope that one day you can admit to your wrongs and that you will relive your choices and you fight for whatever life you have before you.

Your victim will move forward but the history of this event has written itself into her core.  It will bare its ugly teeth when least expected and she will relive it for the rest of her life. #standingwithyousister

Judge Aaron Persky, it is my opinion that you need to turn in your gavel.  You have shown that you are not capable of giving equal punishment for equal crime and that, to me, is a crime in itself.  A crime of priviledge, of race, of humanity.

We, as women, are taught from a very young age to be good, look pretty, dress nicely, put on your makeup, act like a lady, apologize and smooth over any dischord taking the blame for ourselves.

It is time.

Time for us to step forward.  With pride and joy in ourselves in all of our wonderful glory.  It is time for us to #takeupspace

 

It is time to not be quiet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A New Life?

January 28th, 2014.

That was the date of my last blog.

I just re-read what I wrote and the thoughts and feelings of that time came flooding back.  I felt a little bad for her and her mental place.  The struggle that was going on.

That girl has changed.  Yes, again.  She has grown.  She has found love.

Love.

For herself ❤

I am probably just a bit bigger than I was then.  I have not truly exercised for the last year.  That is ok.  I needed the time.  There have been a few starts along the past year but these were met with my body saying, no, telling me in no uncertain terms NO!  Not yet.  Gentle.  We are recovering here.  Time is an illusion you need not worry about.  There were times when a workout would consist of one single deadlift.  That too was ok.  I am not forcing it.  Recovery is happening.  All is well.

I have allowed myself to eat as I wished.  I have over-eaten and I have under-eaten.  A lot lately I have found myself yearning for more vegetables, less sweets and barely any ice cream.  I now routinely leave food on my plate.  I was raised to eat everything served to me so this is new…..and may I say, just a little exciting?!  I still am surprised when I push my plate away with food on it.  I am now at a place where when I feel fullness coming on, it has been enough.  I like it!

So, to summarize, I am moving my body in ways that feel right without pushing it and am eating enough and not too much.  I like where this is leading!

I also left you last time with a tease of a creative endeavour.  It was finished last November!  It is not perfection but it is my work and deserves to me owned ❤

You can watch it here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vrj1Ky9Jmw

I would love to know your thoughts on it 🙂

I also showed you some other work I was doing.  Well…………..that escalated fast!  I now have an Etsy shop (   http://www.etsy.com/shop/RexsTreasureTrove   )  and a Facebook page (   http://www.facebook.com/RexsTreasureTrove   )

It is like having a brand new life.  I feel like I am closer to who I really am.  I don’t feel like an imposter in my own body, heart and mind ❤

Here are a couple items that I have done

Dragon Treasure ChestHeart Hematite Necklace

Spring Blossoms

Spring Blossoms